SAMURAI, KNIGHTs + COWBOYs

A bit of levity after my more serious posts. In the Asian community, this material has been circulating for years, though no one has stepped forward to claim credit. It is also widely accepted as a bit of Asian self-deprecating humor — so please, no lectures on how its not PC to say Oriental or Asian. I'm pretty sure the Asian community did not come up with the term Asian-American. Also, if you think I've become so assimilated into western culture that I no longer know the difference between parody and ridicule then, I'd say you're missing the point of this post. Relax.
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IMAGE CREDIT: Mini Ninjas by IO Interactive - Eidos Interactive (2009)
SCROLL to the end of the post for the Companion Video and Dim Sum Girl Music Video (viewer reimagined)

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Young Asians in America come in many forms. Below are the major 'categories'. Most Asians fit into multiple categories. For example, Rice-boys can also be FOBs and many TABs are Fobulous. The only groups that are never part of another group are the Twinkies and the Asian-Americans. Claim your Fobbiness! When you see your Asian friend, greet them with "Wassup Fob!” And if your Asian friend says something ridiculous, say "Fob please!” Of course, when a non-Asian calls you a FOB, that is grounds for a fight. Regardless, the categories below are to be taken lightheartedly. READ. RECOGNIZE. LAUGH.

 

TWINKIE

• Besides your nationality, there is little to distinguish you from caucasians
• Your significant other is not Asian and never has been
• You have few Asian friends, if any
• You are embarrassed at family events because you cannot speak your language
• Everyone has to switch to English to communicate with you
• You have no idea that the other types of Asians on this list even exist
• You think Hello Kitty is dumb and do not know what Sanrio is
• You are the only Asian on this list that does not know what Bubble Tea is
• You drive a domestic car and if you drive a Honda, it is factory stock

 

 

ASIAN-AMERICAN

•  You claim yourself as Asian, but real Asians think you're whitewashed
• Non-Asians see you as a foreigner. You don't really fit in anywhere.
• You have heard of Bubble Tea but have never actually had any
• You are confused about your cultural identity
• You express this frustration through spoken word performances at your college
• You read A. magazine and think it's great
• You do not know who Edison, Jay Chou, Ayu, or G.O.D. are
• You are only vaguely aware of the other Asians below

 

 

 (YAP) YOUNG ASIAN PROFESSIONAL

• You are working in one of these professions:
  
  1. Medicine/Pharmaceutical
  2. Engineering
  3. Finance
  4. Investment Banking
  5. Accounting
• Most of your wardrobe was purchased at Banana Republic
• You go to "mixers" on Thursday nights to meet other Yaps and talk about the Dow
• You did exactly what your parents wanted you to do
• And as a result, your life is hella boring
• Your condo/home is decorated almost exclusively with stuff from Pier 1 or West Elm
• Your parents always talk to their friends about how much money you make — if they don't, then you're a disappointment

 

 

 FRESH OFF DA BOAT

• You were not born in America
• You know who Edison, Jay Chou, Ayu, or G.O.D. are.
• In fact, you have seen them at Atlantic City or Las Vegas (recently)
• You speak your native language fluently and so do all your friends
• You do not have any non-Asian friends
• Your parents do not speak any English
• When you speak English, you like to make everything plural
• You get extremely good grades in school
• You cannot dance
• Your fashion sense comes from whatever country you're from
• You incorporate nothing from American fashion into your wardrobe

 

 

 SUPERFOBS

• Your command of the English language is minimal and you don't care
• You like dim sum chicken feet
• You do not own a single CD, VCD, Video game, or DVD that isn't bootlegged
• Your only hangout is Chinatown, Koreatown, or some other Asian-prefix town
• All the lights in your house are fluorescent
• You dry your clothes outside your window
• You need a haircut
• You either smell like cigarettes or food, or both

 

 

FOBABEE

• You are an Asian-American or Twinkie who has recently "awakened to your heritage"
• You have a newly found fetish of Asian girls/boys
• You have taken the Asian Studies course at college
• You are trying to learn as much as possible about your culture
• To make up for your lifetime of trying to be white or black
• If you are lucky, you will grow to become Fobulous

 

 

GANSTA FOB (Fobster)

• You have shot another Asian
• Your favorite hangout is a pool hall
• When you talk, you sound like a cross between a Fob and an urban black kid
• Your hair looks silly, but no one will tell you because you'll shoot them
• You have a serious gambling problem
• You are a Rice-boy, but your mods are cheap
• And the mods are never painted to match the rest of your car
• No one tells you your rice ride looks cheap because you'll shoot them
• You want to have a Tab girlfriend, but can only get Hoochie Tabs

 

 

TAB (Trendy Asian Bitch)

• You shop at A/X, Bebe and Club Monaco
• You only wear black and will occasionally wear white to "mix it up"
• You do not weigh more than 105 lbs
• You have never paid for dinner at a restaurant in your life
• Platform heels are your favorite
• You are a makeup expert, in fact, you appear completely flawless
• You do not smile in public
• You are the object of desire of all Asian men and you know it
• You smoke
• Your cell phone is completely customized
• Somewhere in your purse is a Sanrio/Hello Kitty item
• You only date Asian and will only date a boy with a nice car
• You are often seen with Rice-boys
• You never travel alone.
• You are either in the company of other Tabs or your Rice-boy boyfriend

 

 

HOOCHIE TAB

• You are an import car model
• Your breasts are not real
• There are naked pictures of you floating around on the internet
• Clear heels are your favorite
• Your role models are Tila Nguyen and Kaila Yu
• Your boyfriend is a Gangsta Fob
• You cheat on your boyfriend
• Unlike most Asians, you do not do well in school

 

 

 RICE-BOY

• You drive an Asian import. Usually a Honda or Acura
• Your tuner car (known as a Rice-rocket) is unrecognizable from original stock form
• Your exhaust pipe is big enough for your head to fit in
• The spoiler on your car looks like it was made by Boeing
• The interior of your car also looks like it was designed by Boeing
• You always drive like you are racing someone
• You're not afraid of dying in a crash
• But, you're afraid of speed bumps and parking lot on-ramps
• No one besides yourself and your 105 lbs Tab girlfriend can sit in your car
• If anyone else sits in your car, the entire bottom of it will touch the ground
• Though your car is a Honda, it goes faster and is worth more than a Lotus Esprit

 

 

FOBULOUS

• You speak perfect English and you are fluent in your native language
• You have Asian friends as well as non-Asian friends
• You listen to Asian pop as well as American music
• You are equally aware of both popular American culture and Asian pop culture
• You are a good dancer
• You date Asian by choice, though you could rock the opposite sex of any other race
• You are a designer and have superior html skills (for that fly Posterous/Xanga page)
• For you, FOB stands for Fabulous Oriental Being
• You have lots of Asian pride

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My mother came to visit a few weeks ago. This was a bit awkward because we had never been given a chance to build a bond when I was growing up. The last time we spent a significant amount of time with each other, excluding short vacations, I was nine. Regardless she still dotes on me and loves me unconditionally. Of course, she still thinks I'm nine years old. During the visit I documented our time together, on Twitter and Facebook, which turned out to be very humorous — for my friends. If you missed it here's a recap. Keep in mind that at 77 years old, she is at the age where she doesn't do anything she doesn't want to and really doesn't care what anyone thinks about her or her behavior. It must be very liberating.

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I'm pretty sure today is Fathers Day. Which explains why my Mom is driving me crazy.
Sun Jun 20 19:02:43 2010 via TweetDeck
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Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets. (or because our mother is visiting)
Sun Jun 20 19:18:20 2010 via TweetDeck
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My mom just dropped by with only 20 minutes notice. Berated me about all the beer (left over from last weeks crab feast) in my fridge, told me that I was getting too fat and then proceeded to ask me what I wanted her to cook when she comes back on Wednesday — with luggage in tow. She will eventually watch me eat. Then insist I have seconds.
June 20 at 8:47pm via facebook 
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What does an Asian mother bring to an overnight visit? 1 toiletry bag, 1 rolling suitcase, her meds AND; 2lbs each of pork, beef, turkey, 5lbs of raw papaya (shredded), 8 packages of rice noodles, 3lbs of uncooked rice, bamboo shoots, ginger, coconut milk, fish sauce, sea salt, mushrooms, shrimp and a host of green leafy vegetables.
June 23 at 11:25pm via facebook
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Fighting the urge to grab a burger since it will infringe on the god-given right of the visiting mother to cook for her son.
June 24 at 12:14pm via TweetDeck
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Did I mention I'm feeling out of place because I can't speak my native language? Such shame.
June 24 at 3:30pm via TweetDeck
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Oh look MSG in 5 kilo bags. Need to stock up!
June 24 at 3:31pm via TweetDeck
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Did I mention 51 varieties of ramen and 30+ kinds of fish sauce? I stopped counting.
June 24 at 3:44pm via TweetDeck
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244,550. The number of journal pages my dad was purported to have filled in his lifetime. I think my Mom needs a new calculator.
June 24 at 5:18pm via TweetDeck
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When your spry 72 yr old mom (my bros. and I were a surprise) says she can hack it walking in DC heat — you should drive. (especially when you find out she's really 77)
June 25 at 1:26pm via TweetDeck
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At 72 yrs old my Mom has no filter and says what she thinks,"Enhanced." "Boobs that big can't exist on a body that small."
June 25 at 1:34pm via TweetDeck
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2nd to Last MOM post of the day. I give the counter woman that "We're not related" look when she questions her about why it costs $22 to hem a pair of khakis. She's not even inquiring for me, she's asking so the guy in front of me won't get ripped off. That guy gives me the Bill Clinton "I feel your pain look."
June 25 at 2:59pm via Facebook
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I get my turn at role reversal. I tell my Mom, "If you don't know what you're looking for close the damn fridge we're not cooling the entire neighborhood."
June 25 at 3:00pm via TweetDeck
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Being forced to watch a Thai soap opera. Regardless of language its all the same; secret babies, cheating spouses and lots of bitch slaps.
June 25 at 8:04pm via TweetDeck
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Just been told my last name, already 14 letters long, is missing an N at the end. Apparently they had form-field issues in 70s INS apps.
June 28 at 11:02am via TweetDeck
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Week 2 of the Mother visit. She returns my iphone telling me its broken. (uh Mom you have to charge the phone overnight).
June 28 at 1:30pm via TweetDeck
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Saying "excuse us" to strangers at the grocery store because my mother refuses to move the cart to one side or the other. What is holding her up is if we should buy 2 or 3 cucumbers. Only reason we are buying cucumbers? She thinks the lettuce is too expensive.
June 28 at 7:17pm via Facebook
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Showed my mother how Twitter and Facebook work. Now everytime I pick up the iphone she gives me the evil eye.
June 29 at 6:03pm via TweetDeck
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Just realized my mothers partial deafness is in whatever ear that is facing me at the time.
June 29 at 6:11pm via TweetDeck
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Opened up the dishwasher to find out my loving mother emptied it while I was away. Then I noticed she rearranged tthe cupboards. She said it's just a tweak. She also REFOLDED my laundry. She is so lucky she cooked dinner too.
June 29 at 7:32pm via Facebook
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Tried to explain the appeal of the XBOX360 to my 72 year old Mom using Call Of Duty. Her response, "This makes no sense to me. Why do you have kill everyone?"
June 29 at 8:48pm via Facebook
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My Mom: "Why are we in washington? I've seen all this before."
June 30 at 12:22pm via Facebook

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Graphic Tee shopping for my nephews with Mom. She hates everything I show her. I tell that's exactly why my nephews will love 'em.
June 30 at 3:48pm via Facebook
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Mom: Everything in the USA is so expensive says my mom re: the euro/dollar exchange rate. Then we walk by Williams Sonoma and all is forgotten.
June 30 at 4:34pm via Facebook
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My mother disapproves of my choice of ride. So impractical. She enjoys herself none the less. Here we're visiting her "other" son.
June 30 at 6:31pm via Facebook

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Asian mothers are like Jewish mothers, always trying to introduce you to your future wife.
July 1 at 6:23pm via TweetDeck
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I'm convinced that my mother has changed her time-table from "please get married in my lifetime" to "please do so before my flight takes off."
July 1 at 6:25pm via TweetDeck
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We've put in excess of 200mi on the car, visited my future wife, where she works and the Chocolate factory, had lunch at RAKU, visited my cousins in North Bethesda (for dinner), caught fireflies, eaten too much, drank too much and now — at almost midnight, my Mom believes the perfect ending to such a long day is to cook up a batch of soup — from scratch. Oy.
July 1 at 11:55pm via facebook
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My Mom asks me to confirm her flight online. Done. She asks me to check her in online. We need to wait until 5pm (24hrs) She asks me to confirm her reservation. We try for almost an hour — no success. Only after wards does she tell me that maybe we can't sign in online because on her SFR instructions it specifically say...s she can only check in: IN PERSON.
July 2 at 10:21am via facebook
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People get into fights w/ their loved ones before they leave to make the separation easier to bear. My Mom cooks. Constantly. Since 6 am.
July 2 at 10:42am via TweetDeck
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My Mom she believes the longer-than-usual shower she took this morning caused the water main break.
July 2 at 3:24pm via TweetDeck
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My mom asks me if I know the name of the young guy who plays basketball for that team who got a really good salary signed right out of college. My response: uh, no. Mom could you be more specific? My Mom's response: "He's Black."
July 2 at 3:53pm via facebook
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Last night my mother ate all the cookies in my pantry that were about to "expire."
July 2 at 4:15pm via TweetDeck
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Just found out my Mom is 77 not 72. She said she never corrected me all these years because she liked how it sounded. Now I apparently owe her five belated birthday presents.
July 2 at 5:16pm via TweetDeck
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Guess who just relieved the restaurant of all of it's sugar packets, napkins and any condiments not nailed down? Hint: she gave birth to me. - Going to need to leave a very big tip.
July 2 at 8:22pm via Facebook
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1/3 United employee assumes my quinlingual mother is an idiot since her English has a lilt. Shoos her away from checkin kiosk. #unitedFail
July 3 at 2:50pm via TweetDeck
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2/3 Undaunted my 77yr old mother waits in the checking line - desk attendant tells her next time she should use the kiosk #unitedFail
July 3 at 2:52pm via TweetDeck
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3/3 Learning of previous slight, new attendant apologizes, offers 2 assist in a choice of language. My mom continues conversation in FRENCH.
July 3 at 2:57pm via TweetDeck

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Prior to boarding her return flight to France, my mother says good by to her/my Facebook friends — in French.

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What? Did you think I was going to talk about myself or my father for the entire blog? My design sensibilities prevent that from happening. You know what they say, "All Work and No Play Make Monirom a Dull Boy." Without further ado here's a sneak peak at the new Must-See Web Series The LXD from writer/director Jon M. Chu

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The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers (of So You Think You Can Dance fame) are now in their own web series The LXD. The debut episode airs on Hulu July 7th, 2010. According to creator/director Jon M. Chu, all the moves are not enhanced. No wire-work, no CGI, what you see is what you get. Here's an excerpt from recent press coverage, specifically the LA Times:

"The LXD," one of the most ambitious Web series attempted, is a unique fusion of dance and transmedia — an emerging Hollywood concept defined as a story told through multiple platforms (webisodes, live performance, Facebook, etc.) such that each one contributes a unique part of the narrative. Ideally, these building blocks add up to an intricate mythology that obsessed fans can piece together.

"In those live performances, they're out there as their characters and they're telling parts of our story," says Scott Ehrlich, chief executive of Agility Studios, which produces the project along with Chu and Hieu Ho. "We're now going to bring the audience up to speed in terms of what they were actually seeing."

If the series takes off, the LXD will aim to continue its story through film, television, video games, comic books and dance studios: Fans will be able to upload their own dance videos, and a council of elders will invite the best one to join the Legion. ~Zachary Pincus-Roth, Special to the Los Angeles Times [July 4, 2010]
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If you're reading this now you're already behind. Good thing you can watch this series on your schedule on hulu. (also stream the entire "movie" contiguously on Netflix.)