A bit of levity after my more serious posts. In the Asian community, this material has been circulating for years, though no one has stepped forward to claim credit. It is also widely accepted as a bit of Asian self-deprecating humor — so please, no lectures on how its not PC to say Oriental or Asian. I'm pretty sure the Asian community did not come up with the term Asian-American. Also, if you think I've become so assimilated into western culture that I no longer know the difference between parody and ridicule then, I'd say you're missing the point of this post. Relax.
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IMAGE CREDIT: Mini Ninjas by IO Interactive - Eidos Interactive (2009)
SCROLL to the end of the post for the Companion Video and Dim Sum Girl Music Video (viewer reimagined)
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Young Asians in America come in many forms. Below are the major 'categories'. Most Asians fit into multiple categories. For example, Rice-boys can also be FOBs and many TABs are Fobulous. The only groups that are never part of another group are the Twinkies and the Asian-Americans. Claim your Fobbiness! When you see your Asian friend, greet them with "Wassup Fob!” And if your Asian friend says something ridiculous, say "Fob please!” Of course, when a non-Asian calls you a FOB, that is grounds for a fight. Regardless, the categories below are to be taken lightheartedly. READ. RECOGNIZE. LAUGH.
- Besides your nationality, there is little to distinguish you from caucasians
- Your significant other is not Asian and never has been
- You have few Asian friends, if any
- You are embarrassed at family events because you cannot speak your language
- Everyone has to switch to English to communicate with you
- You have no idea that the other types of Asians on this list even exist
- You think Hello Kitty is dumb and do not know what Sanrio is
- You are the only Asian on this list that does not know what Bubble Tea is
- You drive a domestic car and if you drive a Honda, it is factory stock
ASIAN-AMERICAN
- You claim yourself as Asian, but real Asians think you're whitewashed
- Non-Asians see you as a foreigner. You don't really fit in anywhere.
- You have heard of Bubble Tea but have never actually had any
- You are confused about your cultural identity
- You express this frustration through spoken word performances at your college
- You read A. magazine and think it's great
- You do not know who Edison, Jay Chou, Ayu, or G.O.D. are
- You are only vaguely aware of the other Asians below
(YAP) YOUNG ASIAN PROFESSIONAL
- You are working in one of these professions:
- Medicine/Pharmaceutical
- Engineering
- Finance
- Investment Banking
- Accounting
- Most of your wardrobe was purchased at Banana Republic
- You go to "mixers" on Thursday nights to meet other Yaps and talk about the Dow
- You did exactly what your parents wanted you to do
- And as a result, your life is hella boring
- Your condo/home is decorated almost exclusively with stuff from Pier 1 or West Elm
- Your parents always talk to their friends about how much money you make — if they don't, then you're a disappointment
FRESH OFF DA BOAT
- You were not born in America
- You know who Edison, Jay Chou, Ayu, or G.O.D. are.
- In fact, you have seen them at Atlantic City or Las Vegas (recently)
- You speak your native language fluently and so do all your friends
- You do not have any non-Asian friends
- Your parents do not speak any English
- When you speak English, you like to make everything plural
- You get extremely good grades in school
- You cannot dance
- Your fashion sense comes from whatever country you're from
- You incorporate nothing from American fashion into your wardrobe
SUPERFOBS
- Your command of the English language is minimal and you don't care
- You like dim sum chicken feet
- You do not own a single CD, VCD, Video game, or DVD that isn't bootlegged
- Your only hangout is Chinatown, Koreatown, or some other Asian-prefix town
- All the lights in your house are fluorescent
- You dry your clothes outside your window
- You need a haircut
- You either smell like cigarettes or food, or both
FOBABEE
- You are an Asian-American or Twinkie who has recently "awakened to your heritage"
- You have a newly found fetish of Asian girls/boys
- You have taken the Asian Studies course at college
- You are trying to learn as much as possible about your culture
- To make up for your lifetime of trying to be white or black
- If you are lucky, you will grow to become Fobulous
GANSTA FOB (Fobster)
- You have shot another Asian
- Your favorite hangout is a pool hall
- When you talk, you sound like a cross between a Fob and an urban black kid
- Your hair looks silly, but no one will tell you because you'll shoot them
- You have a serious gambling problem
- You are a Rice-boy, but your mods are cheap
- And the mods are never painted to match the rest of your car
- No one tells you your rice ride looks cheap because you'll shoot them
- You want to have a Tab girlfriend, but can only get Hoochie Tabs
TAB (Trendy Asian Bitch)
- You shop at A/X, Bebe and Club Monaco
- You only wear black and will occasionally wear white to "mix it up"
- You do not weigh more than 105 lbs
- You have never paid for dinner at a restaurant in your life
- Platform heels are your favorite
- You are a makeup expert, in fact, you appear completely flawless
- You do not smile in public
- You are the object of desire of all Asian men and you know it
- You smoke
- Your cell phone is completely customized
- Somewhere in your purse is a Sanrio/Hello Kitty item
- You only date Asian and will only date a boy with a nice car
- You are often seen with Rice-boys
- You never travel alone.
- You are either in the company of other Tabs or your Rice-boy boyfriend
HOOCHIE TAB
- You are an import car model
- Your breasts are not real
- There are naked pictures of you floating around on the internet
- Clear heels are your favorite
- Your role models are Tila Nguyen and Kaila Yu
- Your boyfriend is a Gangsta Fob
- You cheat on your boyfriend
- Unlike most Asians, you do not do well in school
RICE-BOY
- You drive an Asian import. Usually a Honda or Acura
- Your tuner car (known as a Rice-rocket) is unrecognizable from original stock form
- Your exhaust pipe is big enough for your head to fit in
- The spoiler on your car looks like it was made by Boeing
- The interior of your car also looks like it was designed by Boeing
- You always drive like you are racing someone
- You're not afraid of dying in a crash
- But, you're afraid of speed bumps and parking lot on-ramps
- No one besides yourself and your 105 lbs Tab girlfriend can sit in your car
- If anyone else sits in your car, the entire bottom of it will touch the ground
- Though your car is a Honda, it goes faster and is worth more than a Lotus Esprit
FOBULOUS
- You speak perfect English and you are fluent in your native language
- You have Asian friends as well as non-Asian friends
- You listen to Asian pop as well as American music
- You are equally aware of both popular American culture and Asian pop culture
- You are a good dancer
- You date Asian by choice, though you could rock the opposite sex of any other race
- You are a designer and have superior html skills (for that fly Posterous/Xanga page)
- For you, FOB stands for Fabulous Oriental Being
- You have lots of Asian pride
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